The "War Wounds" No One Talks About But Many Experience
I hope you’re well and finding moments of pause and calm in your days.
Earlier this week I was reading a NY Times article about one of the Capitol Police officers of color who met with the insurrectionists at the US Capitol on January 6. He shared the horrific mental and physical toll the incident took on him and other officers, especially those of color, and the multiple layers of trauma that unfolded for him in that space.
The account from the 6'7”, 13 year veteran of the police force, was powerful, the images painted by his words clear and impactful, in particular the visual of him sitting on the trash-strewn floor of the Capitol Rotunda with a group of weary and shocked officers.
It was their first break after battling much of the day, and as they talked of how they were hurting, he began crying about what had transpired and the feelings it awakened in him.
“If you appear to be broken or hurt, you’re weak”
He spoke of the stigma of seeking help, noting how much is needed for all they’ve been through, but that services are not being utilized.
“Nobody wants to talk about it. If you appear to be broken or hurt, you’re weak. Now people are wondering, ‘Can I even go tell them that I’m not OK without them taking my gun from me and losing my job?’”
This line kept playing over and over in my mind.
Trauma in changemaking and caregiving
It’s been on repeat as I revisit conversations with clients and colleagues I’ve worked with over the years who – whether they’ve served in humanitarian aid, human rights, child protection, medicine, or some front line work – have experienced trauma or arrived at a place of burnout in their work from all of the doing and giving and, often, exposure to hard things.
In many cases, as these strong and competent leaders (wonder women types) navigated and tried to make sense of their physical and emotional experiences, feeling at times they were coming apart at the edges, anxiety creeping in, dread in the belly, unexplained physical symptoms flaring, they’ve found themselves terrified of what might happen.
In addition to the fear of what is happening in their bodies and mind, they are terrified of being perceived as broken, hurt or weak, wondering if they are going to lose access to the purpose-driven work they have always done, or to the strong self they’ve always counted on.
The devastation of silence
Many tell stories of seeking help from supervisors, colleagues, even mental health professionals positioned to support them for the hardship they’ve experienced in their work, only to be told to toughen up or that they must keep on, for there is more work to do.
Or they’ve had their experiences met with confusion, silence, or even denial.
To someone who has experienced or witnessed hard things, and is experiencing (often unexplained) physical and emotional symptoms, this can feel confusing, even devastating. And so often, the discomfort or imbalance (body-mind-spirit) that has shown up for healing gets shoved down and tucked away, only to surface as anxiety, panic, or physical illness years later.
The “war wounds” no one talks about
I can’t tell you how many phone calls I’ve fielded from seasoned, highly skilled professionals –
the ones that everyone thinks are fine because they always look like they are – having panic attacks out of the blue (sometimes years after intense work in the field), or struggling with chronic, low-grade anxiety and needing support but not finding what’s needed to help them through. Or sometimes they are having physical symptoms that their doctors can’t identify or figure out.
I’ve come to speak of these things like the war wounds of the changemakers and caregivers, though they haven’t (necessarily) been in war.
2020
Many working in the medical profession this past year have had experiences they never expected to have, and are feeling the impact of this in their nervous systems, brains and hearts.
And in this past year, even those not who are not on the front lines, or aren’t facing situations that appear to be traumatic, are having their nervous systems activated.
It could be managing health issues, losing family members, staying at home 24/7 with kiddos, being on social media, or continuing to do their intense service work as if nothing has changed...though everything has.
So much – in these times – is being brought to the surface for a closer view and for healing. Early childhood traumatic experiences (“small t” and “big t” traumas) might be triggered, or the trauma comes firsthand (or secondhand) in the work, and people are left with their nervous systems in unfamiliar terrain, the inner compass impaired but desperately seeking North.
How about you?
How are YOU doing?
Whatever is happening for you, whether you’re feeling super strong and steady, or having some big S@#$T come up, I’m sending a thread of connection, healing and light your way.
And if you’re finding yourself eating your tears and fears, swallowing pain, sleepless and anxious, know that you’re allowed to be not ok. And that you are deserving of support.
Know that you are not alone.
That you can feel better.
And that you can heal.
And know that even if you’re accustomed to being the one who takes care of everyone else – you're the one who looks so strong that others can't compute you when you say you’re struggling – there is space for you to be held as well.
Permission to create space to just BE
Can you give yourself permission, a few breaths, to just pause, to just be?
Can you allow yourself the possibility of reaching out for help – to a friend, a sister, a therapist, a healing practitioner?
Can you let yourself take a break, just for a few, from trying to fix the world and take care of everyone else? (And do remember that your fixing is actually a whole lot more potent if you first take care of you…)
Can we all commit to work on creating workplaces and parenting circles and communities and a world where we can be there for each other, even before a crisis (personal or global) happens?
Where even the typically strong ones are allowed to lean in in moments when they need to?
Two Questions for You
What is one thing you can do today to allow yourself to lean in a little, to just BE, to get support, and/or to take a rest from all that you’ve been holding?
What is one thing you can do for your community/ colleagues/ workplace/ children, etc. to help create an environment that holds all of us up, even the strong ones? Even you?
Breathe
To transform our collective space, to help ensure that the people holding the other people are also held, we must begin turning inward, acknowledging that we all need space for that.
Take a big breath into that (the breath is SO healing… science shows it :)).
I’d love to hear how you are doing, what you choose to do in your pause, and what you’re able to shift within or around you.
The world needs you well.
And please, if you know someone who might need to hear this message right now, please share it with them.
In love,
Kelly
p.s. Save the date for our next half-day community healing retreat: Sunday, March 21, 9:30-12:30 AZ time - for connection, inner quiet and powerful healing space.
(And it is really wonderful to hear from you and to know how messages are landing, so please do reach out.)