How your nervous system capacity helps the people you love

Last week one of my beloved clients excitedly shared a big win during our session together.

She reported how she’d been able to transform a situation with her daughter and husband from upset, chaos and angst into one of learning, compassion and connection.

Her capacity to self-regulate has come with devoted inner work and healing her own nervous system.

As she’s healed and developed her skills, she’s grown her capacity to be settled in the presence of whatever challenge is showing up – in kids, in her leadership work, and in her marriage.

For today...

1) My client's story

2) Tending to our own nervous systems helps others regulate theirs

3) Ninja moves? Or just doing her own healing?

4) This mama example is for all of us

My client's story:

Her kiddo has entered a prepubescent phase and has had many a rageful moment, transforming her from a sweet, connected kid to someone who, in moments, is unrecognizable.

This is a kiddo who has had such an enormous quantity of love poured into her and has defied all odds medically and developmentally, with the incredible support, knowledge and wisdom of her mama.

In some ways, her journey of struggle has made it extra surprising (and also celebratory) that she’s meeting this next developmental phase with such ferocity.

She's had moments of butting heads with her father, who’s certain she’s being defiant.

And her mom - who’s taken her 1000% beyond where any medical professionals ever thought she’d be able to go - was feeling a new kind of despair and worry.

(I mention this because it’s an essential part of the story – this part of the mama making possible all things, miracles really, and often putting aside her own needs to do so.)

When this phase marked by pre-teen tantrums began, mom was feeling rattled, feeling her own dysregulation, fear, and confusion about what was happening.

If you’re a parent or caregiver, have you been there? (I know I have…)

Tending to our own nervous systems helps others regulate theirs

Through the work of understanding her own nervous system, and also what’s happening in her kiddo’s nervous system – and doing a lot of her own healing, this mom has been able to get regulated.

And as she's become regulated, she’s able to understand what’s happening with her daughter - and that underneath the chaotic and rageful expression is something that needs attention.

So this last week, in the middle of an escalation between her daughter and her husband, she was able to pause and slow everything down.

She was able to regulate herself, help her husband regulate, help her kiddo regulate and feel heard, and bring calm to the entire scene.

Once everyone was calm, this magical mama was able to ask her daughter what she needed.

In the calm, her kiddo was able to let her guard down, cry, and articulate that she was feeling scared and speak to what she needed.

They hugged it out. Went about their day.

And trust and regulation were grown even more in their family system.

Ninja moves? Or just doing her own healing?

If we were looking in from the outside, we might think we saw a mother doing ninja moves.

But what happened there was a skilled parent who's done her own nervous system work, consistently, for many moons now.

She's grown her nervous system capacity (one of my favorite things to talk about – you can learn a little more if you grab the journey on my website).

When we do our own work, when we learn to regulate our own systems by giving ourselves what we need, when we grow our CAPACITY to be present, we can show up as parents, caregivers, changemakers, and powerful leaders in ways that we just can’t without that capacity building and practice.

This example is for all of us

Whether or not you’re a mom or a caregiver for another human, can you relate to that feeling of losing it?

Or wanting to lose it?

When really all you need is to be heard or seen, or to have a good shake or cry, or to leave the room and take care of yourself?

[This is a mama example – we’re moving into the months of honoring mothers . (And I’ll share below about a special gift offering coming soon for all the mamas who could use some of their own mother medicine.)]

But it’s important for all of us.

Because we all have a human (also animal) nervous system.

Our (animal) systems are actually wired to do certain things when we experience stress.

But we humans generally don’t do those things needed to release that energy, and instead we store survival stress.

So our bodies keep seeking a way to release the stored stress from the system.

But we resist.

And eventually, if we keep trying to push down what needs to get out, it will accumulate and need to emerge in another (often inconvenient) moment.

So one piece of growing the capacity of our nervous systems involves learning to safely release survival stress.

Let’s practice.

So try this. Next time you’re having an experience where you’re feeling some stress rising in you while you're with another, and you feel yourself shoving it down, ask yourself, “What do I actually need in this moment?”

And then, to the best of your ability, go give it to yourself.

And if you're noticing your kid (or partner or colleague) is having this experience, and you're holding space for them – offer up the question to them. And see if you might invite them to give this to themselves as well.

Here's what I know...

As you walk in the world, in whatever ways you show up - as caregiver or parent, as medical provider or healing practitioner, as service provider or humanitarian, as teacher or entrepreneur, or as a human who cares so much - those you serve and support benefit from your healing and well-being.

The more we grow our capacity to understand and work with our nervous systems, the more we grow our capacity to serve, teach, parent, caregive, heal and bring hope to the world.

Remember, the world needs you well.

With love and many blessings,

Kelly